What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
