After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
