i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
