The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He felt like a one man threesome
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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