Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How does one acquire holy water?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
