shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
bring money and cleavage
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
