Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
