I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
