her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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