I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize