it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
