Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize