If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
