Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
