My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
