There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
In other news, I just burned my penis
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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