just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize