i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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