If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
