I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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