I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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