he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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