this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
