She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
