i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
