Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
