Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
