What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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