she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You smell like stripper and shame
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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