just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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