I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
