my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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