So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
