is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
