Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
