i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
