I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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