I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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