There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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