Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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