If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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