i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
