That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The beer is more important than you right now.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
