Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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