I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
