my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
