Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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