you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
