I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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