People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just gargled with NyQuil
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
