did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so that wasnt chicken after all
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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