I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my being single is dangerous.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
