I accidentally had phone sex last night
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
