Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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