1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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