I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
