she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
sick fucks of a feather flock together
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
