the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
