I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
