Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
