Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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